Friday, 26 December 2008

"Cold turkey"

I overdid the insulin again last night, and woke up at 3 needing a glucose tablet. I sat in the bathroom so as not to wake John, waiting for it to take effect, and was hit by a powerful wave of hunger first (unusual for me in the middle of the night) and then a bucket-of-cold-water awareness that I can no longer tell myself, as I've done so many times in the past, that when the ideal weight is reached the foods I love so much will still be there waiting for me, even if only eaten occasionally.
These are beef dishes such as steak, schnitzel, Latin-American pasties... the specialities of Argentina, where I was born and grew up. I gather that if the band is working properly, beef and pastry can be eaten only in minute quantities, if at all, ever again. Things always seem blackest in the night, I find, and it struck me that this would, for me, be the higest price to pay. Not the smaller portions, the general avoidance of high fat foods such as chips and chocolate, the much loved British jam doughnut (with apologies to any possible US readers - sorry, there's no contest!) - or even the impossibility of eating and drinking at the same time. These I am willing to learn living without.
The steaks, schnitzels and pasties are favourite foods which spell childhood, security, flavours that take me back to a more innocent time - and it felt as though I was turning my back on (some of the happier aspects of) my past, and for a while I felt inconsolable.
In the morning it didn't seem so dramatic, and as with most coming-to-terms situations, it'll probably be OK in the end if I just take it a day at a time.
That was my first 'cold turkey' - I'm sure there will be many more on the way. So this had better be worth it.
I'm off to give myself a little less insulin. Goodnight.


Nola said...

Yes, you are right. There will be more of those moments...but they pass. I have been naughty and drunk while eating.... when I have been "doing coffee" while out. I don't think it matters too much as long as the majority of the time we try to do the right thing. I think you will find the best policy is "a little of what you fancy". It just keeps you sane...

Zena said...

Having to learn all over again is not easy is it, But yes I am so sure it will all be worth it.


Lonicera said...

Thank you both for your words of comfort - truth is, this has been a very "feeling left out" Christmas, food being such an important part of the rituals. With one very pleasant exception I haven't been out at all - either I wasn't well enough or didn't feel up to explanations on why I couldn't eat or drink. However, next year I'm determined will be the best ever! Thanks again for your support.

DocSly said...

Oh I can so relate to the love of meat and not being able to chew it enough to get it down. Nola is right about "a little of what you fancy" keeping us sane. I was able to eat some prime rib on Christmas because I chewed it until it was mush and then swallowed just a little at a time. We have entered a life changing experience and we will get by with the help of our friends.

Lonicera said...

Thanks for the comment DocSly - these blogs to me are like a therapy session, it's such a relief that all possible negative thoughts and disgusting situations which arise from being overweight have all been experienced before. There's 'nothing new under the sun'... including my secret disbelief that I could possibly ever be slim and that it's all a dream.

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