Saturday 25 July 2009

Chubby Chops - a life in pictures. Part 6

No more diets
Picture № 25, 1993, in Spain with John and my parents,
celebrating my 40th birthday
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We had lovely holidays – here we had rented a beautiful villa not far from Valencia, to which city outskirts my parents had moved from Argentina to spend their retirement. It was a time to take stock, and I didn’t like what I saw – I was nowhere near getting my weight problem under control, and saddest of all, I had left it too late to have children. All those years obsessing about my appearance and I was going to have nothing to show for them.
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Picture Nos. 26/27/28/29 - Bristol Rugby, early nineties.
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During this time I was asked to take pictures of the Bristol rugby team at their home games for use in their programmes, which I did for several years. I was allowed to be on the touchline with John so that I could run up and down. No, don’t ask – there’s no photo of me because I would sooner have had my throat cut. It was usually blustery, cold, wet and muddy, so I had to wear thermal underwear, plus normal clothes plus waterproof gear over all of that.
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John would prompt me when he could see at which end of the field the action would be, and I’d waddle down with camera, my pockets bulging with spare film. The worst bit was at the beginning, when the Bristol captain would run out with the little mascot – usually a child under 8 dressed wearing the Bristol strip – and I had to stand in the middle of the field and photograph them as they ran out, throwing the ball to each other. To do this, I had to position myself out in the middle of the pitch, ready and waiting 5 minutes before they emerged, then after the pictures were taken run back to the touchline.
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I knew the 8,000 spectators weren’t interested in the navy blue Michelin woman shuffling onto the pitch before the game, and up and down during it, but I reasoned that before the game or when nothing much was happening, they would be casting about for something interesting to look at, and their gaze would fix in amused fascination on the rotund photographer… I always ensured I was on the same side of the field as the television cameras, so that there wouldn’t be a ghost of a chance of my appearing on the local news afterwards.
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John would squat on a little folding stool on the touchline, tucking into his supplies – a hard-boiled egg with salt in a piece of tinfoil, a slice of buttered bread, a Kit-Kat chocolate bar and his ever trusty hipflask of brandy, not to mention the scalding cup of coffee bought at the ground, shaking and slopping as it jostled for position with his cigarette.

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It was fun, but there were limits to my coping with the exposure and self-consciousness I felt before 8,000 people, however anonymous I was, and several years later when the photographic technology grew apace and other photographers had more modern equipment which meant that the printers of the programme could get the pictures to them faster than I could, I dropped out with relief. I was also getting tired of the “If it’s Saturday it must be cold and wet” routine.

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Photography was wonderfully absorbing and took my mind off areas of my life about which I was unhappy, and specifically it meant I was behind the lens, and not being captured by it. In 1995 I was pleased as punch to win one of the trophies at my local camera club.
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Picture № 30, 1995, aged 42, with Group One Backwell Camera Club Trophy

I particularly enjoy candid portraits, and take pictures at dress rehearsals – amateur opera in the past, and Gilbert & Sullivan productions now. The advent of digital cameras has made the whole process so incredibly easy, and enables me to concentrate on the creative side (with mixed results, I don’t claim to be a David Bailey).
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Picture № 31, two members of the chorus at a performance of The Mikado
about 10 years ago
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As I developed on the inside, sadly I expanded on the outside too. Being freed of the tyranny of trying to be slim and pleasing other people, vanity ceased to be a factor in my life altogether, and I rarely looked in the mirror.
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Picture № 32, 1995, out for dinner with John and old school friend
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Later in the year an old school friend came to stay, and when she sent me a photo of the three of us at dinner I realised that the situation had got worse, and as usual my misery showed. However this pained expression was mainly reserved for photographs, which I simply loathed posing for – I’m told that I was capable of as much cheerfulness and humour as anybody…
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(To be continued)


-oOo-

6 comments:

Reddirt Woman said...

What an awful "weight" you toted around for all those years. I think the worst crime that is done to children is to be diminished and put down for anything. It is so hard to regain a decent self image. You even feel unworthy for anyone to love you. That feels so bad. And, I'm sure, that the more years you hear or feel you hear the negative input the longer it takes you to realize that that you are okay. You are a good person, a kind person. At least that is what I've come to in my own trials with self image problems. I wish I could sit and talk with you for a long time and give you a great big hug. You are so brave to put all this out in the blogsphere. What an incredible journey you are on, my friend.

Love the photos of the ruggers... My baby brother went to OU for his pre-med classes and took pictures at the football games and would also go to the rugby games which were only intermurals back then and shoot the action. He used a lot of black and white film and I had a ball working in the dark room doing some of the printing. You know how long ago it was to be using 35mm film to shoot the pics. Sorry this is so long...

Helen

Lonicera said...

The longer the better Helen, and your words are so appreciated. I've found it easier to share all this with strangers than with friends and relations, because the bloggers that interest me are all refugees of some kind or another who have inside what I call "twisted metal". Out of loyalty to people I care about there's a lot more twisted metal I can't write about in the blog, but I would love to sit and talk to you - be sure that I will should I ever visit Oklahoma or get anywhere near.
Caroline

Tina said...

hi Caroline- Again another great installment. Your Rugby pics and the opera one are very good!!! Makes me want to pull out our largely unused camera and give it a go.

Tina

Dawn said...

love the rugby pics...they capture just about the right amount of movement to make them interesting.
It's been a great few post of you life in pics.

:o)
xx

Lonicera said...

It was a relief to post some pictures that didn't have me in them. The latest post does, but the last one I'm preparing at the moment has only one - the rest are other subjects...
Thanks for sticking with it!
Caroline

DocSly said...

Caroline, thank you for your candid story you are sharing. Your pictures are so telling. I wish we could talk together and delight in our lives today!

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