Monday, 19 January 2009

The Sat-Nag

John was given a little device for Christmas called a "Sat-Nag", which looks just like the real thing, only made of black plastic, and the front has a drawing of a road map, with "Desperation Way", "Nag Street", "Moaning Road", "Earache Avenue" and the inevitable "Backseat Drive" marked thereon. When a button is pressed, a female voice makes statements in clipped tones, most of which are quite amusing.
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However, in mid-chortle I realised that the side-splitting witticisms had clearly been written by a bloke, so here are the best ones (the really macho ones make me gag, so they've been censored) - followed by another set of statements (mine) which I reckon could be made by women about men. Any similarity with what John as the front-seat driver says to me is not purely coincidental.
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Written by him about her
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If you don’t slow down and start driving within the speed limit I’m going to ring the police myself.
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At the roundabout I’m going to say again that I told you not to buy this penis-extension of a car.
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At the next junction I’m going to explain that it’s not what you said but the way you said it that annoyed me.
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In 50 metres - if you fart again I’m going to get out of this car and catch a bus.
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In 20 metres I’m going to remind you that you’re not invisible in traffic jams, and people can see you picking your nose.
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I know you’re a man, but it’s been 45 minutes now, so can you please admit we’re lost and ask someone the way?
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OK so we didn’t have sex last night, but could you stop driving like a lunatic?
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In 50 metres when we’re stuck in traffic I’m going to ask you if your shortcut is really faster.
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Written by her about him
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In 50 metres I’m going to ask you if you realise that this car has five gears.
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In 25 metres I’m going to repeat what I say at the beginning of every journey when you’re driving: Now what are we not going to do…. yeees, we’re not going to rush, are we?
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Every 20 metres I’m going to suggest overtaking/not overtaking or slowing down/speeding up.
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At every traffic light I’m going to let you know its colour.
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At every intersection I’ll do all the courteous-waving-at-considerate-drivers stuff (or apologise to them if I consider it necessary), you just concentrate on the driving.
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If I think you’re going too fast I’ll grip the dashboard with both hands till the whites of my knuckles show, while I ask you in a strangled voice what the hell you think you’re doing.
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If a decision is required which could be one of several alternatives, I’ll always let you know what I normally do in these situations, and not quite pick up on the “Yes, so you always tell me”.
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The fact that I’m letting you drive this evening has absolutely positively definitely nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you don’t drink and I do. Nope.
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-oOo-
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(Can you tell I'm marking time waiting for my first fill? Well, go to the top of th class then).

5 comments:

Dawn said...

LOL Caroline,

I needed to laugh...but how true are some of the statements! I've heard myself say them!

Keep it coming. Keep making us smile until your fill

;o)
xx

Nola said...

Excellent!! he, he

DocSly said...

You get the award for the best wit this week. I love to read your blog. Oh how we are all so alike. This will be your first fill, right?

Lonicera said...

Thank you all! (I never really know when a post is mildly amusing or feeble... but selfishly I do enjoy planning the entries & fiddle about with them for ages)

Yup, first fill next Wednesday - really trying hard to keep cheerful about not daring to weigh myself because I'll probably be up... because help is in sight. I'm tired of feeling green with envy at the other bloggers' posts about restriction!

Caroline

Zena said...

LOL, Oh Caroline you do make me chuckle.....Not long now untill the 'big fill' and so needed by the sound of it. keep us updated,

Zena xxx

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