Sunday, 17 March 2013

Update on John

Thank you so very much to the 12 kind people who left such lovely messages in the comments.  I've read every single one several times over, and have felt comforted. 

John is declining faster than any of us thought, and we will probably be moving him to St Peter's Hospice in the next day or two, where they will know how to keep him comfortable as he nears the end.  There I shall be able to visit him whenever and for as long as I want (hospital visiting hours are so restricting).  I had wanted to care for him at home for as long as I could, but he quickly became too weak and bedridden, and he's too heavy for me to manage on my own.  His intermittent mental confusion also means that he wants to move around frequently, and the district nurses who help people who are convalescing at home can't be expected to be there 24 hours a day.

Today during my four-hour visit it was the first time he did not acknowledge that he knew who I was, and I feel as lonely as it's possible to be.  I have in effect already lost him.  May he not tarry to feel any more pain, discomfort and helplessness.



Joyful said...

Dear Caroline, thank you so much for updating us about John. I've been thinking of you both and praying intermittently. I haven't wanted to ask questions because I know you are busy at this time and want to spend your free hours with John.

I can only imagine how lonely it is when a loved one no longers knows you. I pray, like you, that his leaving will be quick and without pain.

Hugs. xx

simone said...

Dear Caroline, you have been on my mind such a lot these past few weeks, truly....I am so sad for you and for John.

Visits to a hospice are sad & often lonely....I am thinkng of you and hope that you have people around you too to support you as John does at this time.

Take care of yourself,
Much love,
Simone Xx

Zanna said...

Oh Caroline my heart aches for you. You've been in my thoughts very often these past few weeks and will continue to be as you struggle through the days ahead. There are no magic words to ease your pain and loneliness and I can only say that I too hope that the coming days are pain free for John. Much love Anne x

Sandy said...

I too have been thinking of you and John these past few weeks. I am so sorry that your heart is so heavy. Just know there are many of us praying and hoping for a peaceful and gentle passing. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Roo said...

Caroline, You are facing the toughest time and I know it can seem so lonely. There is nothing that anybody can say that will ease your pain but know that you are in my thoughts. I hope that over the coming days and weeks that John is comfortable and pain free and finds peace. I also hope that you can find peace through this as well, John would want you to. xx

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I echoe the other comments. Hang in there! Big Hugs!!!

Darlin1 said...

Oh Caroline....I keep you and John in my thoughts and prayers!!


Sara said...

You will both continue to be in my prayers. I have been thinking about you all week and so appreciate the update. Be comforted by your best memories of life together.

Coral Wild said...

Dear Caroline, thank you for the update.
I can only repeat what all the others have said before me.

My heart is full of sadness for you, having to witness the fading of such a gentle and beloved companion.

May it be as quick and painless as possible for both you and John.

Much love

Tina said...

A hug from me as well. My ear is hear for you and although I am not near enough to offer a hug I do lend my support.


Diz said...

I am so sorry to hear about John. He may not have recognized you, but love and your hearts are stronger than any any illness. You are not alone. He will always be in your heart, in the fabric of your very soul. There will be moments when you close your eyes, that you'll feel him there. Do not despair.

I'm praying that friends and family are on hand to support you and love you through this. I can tell by the comments that you have the love and support of your blog family. My prayers are with you too.

simone said...

Dear Caroline, I just wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind this week, I have thought a lot about you & John....sending love to you at such a sad time, Simone Xx

Vagabonde said...

Dear Caroline – with trips, some colds and trying to catch up I have not visited all my friends’ blogs. I just saw your post and your previous one. I am so sorry to hear about John. How heart breaking for you. I just can imagine the sense of loss you feel already. Life sometime is difficult – my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer last summer and it is hard to see him lose his memory. I am so sad for you and send you many hugs of comfort.

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