Monday, 25 February 2013

John is ill

My blogging has slowed down considerably in the last couple of months, but there's no question of "I can't believe how long it's been since my last post... promise to improve" etc - this is not a blog about to be abandoned.  Writing is very important to me and I have lots of ideas, but my brains are scrambled at the moment.

My partner John hurt his back in early January while pulling weeds out of the pond, and when we learned that he had fractured a vertebra we understood why he had been in such pain and put it down to osteoporosis.  Many scans and a stay in hospital later we know that he has tumours up and down his spine, with the primary being in his right lung.

He's 85 and has had a very eventful life, but when you love them it's still too short, isn't it?  We've been together for 26 years and rarely argued.  We've led a gentle, contented life together and now I must come to terms - as must his loving family - with the fact that we have him for only a few more months or less. 

My employers - the NHS - are being very understanding and for now are allowing me all the time I need.  There are numerous practical issues to deal with and many more to come, but I'm so grateful to live in a country with an efficient system in place.  There's very little I've had to organise myself - i'ts all happening automatically.  In addition I've been overwhelmed by the support from family and friends, and if I hadn't gone off my food anyway, I would have the wherewithal to stuff myself with chocolates all day long.

As for John himself, he's always been a positive person, and has developed a faith of his own, so he has been philosophical about his situation.  I don't know how it will be further down the line.

I'm not as brave.  I'm frightened for him, particularly of his pain, and I'm frightened for my future.  I know that most people go through this, but that doesn't help me right now.  I'm losing my best friend and only true fan, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.



Coral Wild said...

Oh Caroline
I've been a little worried that you have been silent for so long but never thought it would be such bad news.
I am so sorry to hear about John. My heartfelt thoughts and good wishes are with you both and your family through the next few months.
Take care of yourself as well.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. I only hope that it will help you in some small way to know that I will hold you and John in my thoughts and prayers. I've grown so fond of your photos and stories of your lives. What a blessing the two of you are to each other. Sending you a big virtual hug!!!

Joyful said...

Dear Caroline, this is dreadful news. I was hoping the outcome would be more positive for John and you. I understand just how hard it is to lose someone so very close. I've always admired the bond you and John share. I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs. xx

Roo said...

I'm so sorry to hear your news. Sending you my thoughts and hugs during this time to you and the family. x

Alicia Seminara said...

Me da mucha pena leer esto, te deseo mucha fuerza y entereza. Un abrazo grandote.

Sandy said...

And I too am adding lots of virtual hugs for both of you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Sara said...

My heart goes out to you and John ay this difficult time. You are right about time being too short. But I am sure you will take comfort in your love and memories.

Zanna said...

Oh Caroline what devastating news. Can only guess at the sorrow and fears you must both be dealing with. Just know that my thoughts are with you both. Anne x

Tina said...

Oh Caroline..I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My thoughts are with you as you go through this and wish you both all the best that can be had under the circumstances. We all have more mettle than we think and I know both you and John will find yours.


Reddirt Woman said...

There are few things in life that have more of an effect on us than a critical illness of a spouse, a best friend and a champion of our creative talents. I think you are stronger than you realize and I think John's positivity, gentle ways and encouragement that you've received from him over the years will sustain you more than you know. Love him, love him and soak up all those special things that you love about him to comfort you during the harder times.

Know that you have many friends who will lift you up with prayers and hold you both in the light of comfort and love.

(((((Gentle Hugs to you both)))))

Matvi. said...

I am really sorry, Caroline. Though we've never met, I'ts like you and John being very close friends to me. Hugs for you both.

simone said...

I can't tell you how sorry I am to read this news Caroline, I cannot even imagine what you are going through.

I have always read your autobiographical posts about your earlier life with great interest and it always seemed that John was meant for you, after some of the things you went through when you were younger. I hope you don't mind me saying that.

He has always sounded like the gentlest of men and gentle is such a lovely and special thing to be.

Please know that I am thinking of you,
Much love, Simone XX

Bunny said...

My God Caroline!
I cannot believe that the last post I read on Blogsphere was your one about the Milk Mother and then all that crazy happened! I am so sorry that all this horrible stuff has to happen to anyone in the world ever. And it's also sad that the only people we get to say we are sorry for and thinking of are the people we know when there is just too much awful in the world. I am so sorry to hear about the situation you have been going through for the last couple of months. The weeks must feel like an eternity! I wish I was closer as I want to meet you and support you now more than ever! Your pragmatic posts show me that you are a very very strong woman, and an inspiration to me and others who face and will face these things. I am so sad that you lost your soul mate, best buddy and cheerleader. He always sounded like a great chap and long may you enjoy your photos and head filled with memory movies. I feel for you and am thinking of you darling. xxx hugs galore xxx bunny xxx

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