Sunday, 23 August 2009

Mollie’s Story – First of Two posts

In my last post I commented that I had recently received such a shot in the arm to incentivise me that I’d virtually lost my appetite altogether. To explain it further I need to tell you the background story, but for those of you who feel lukewarm about wading through my stories to get at what you want to know, let me cut to the chase and tell you that it’s because I’m visiting Argentina in November. If you’re curious as to why this should rob me of my appetite, then read on. It’s in two parts, and I’ll post the second part in another couple of days.
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In 2005 when browsing on eBay I found a book called The Sand, the Wind and the Sierras – Days in Patagonia, by Mollie Robertson. The romantic title suggested it was a children’s story, and to an extent that’s what it is, but actually it’s also much more. In her book Mollie remembers 8 years of an enchanted childhood between 1916 and 1923, during which she lived on two British-owned sheep farms in the province of Río Negro, in northern Patagonia, Argentina, where she grew to love the land around her and the animals with which she came into contact.
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She had dozens of pet animals, and they were of many different types – she even shared her bed with a foal on one occasion. There were few children of her age around, and the animals became her best friends. She understood their language, and communicated with them on a level not normally given to humans. Her father managed the farms, while her mother chaffed at the limitations the primitive life of those days placed upon her. They travelled back to England in 1923, and she never returned to South America.

Those years had a profound effect on her, and in the 1960’s, when she was in her fifties, with encouragement from her husband, she wrote down the story. She never published anything else, which is surprising, because she was a gifted and lyrical writer, and I can guarantee you would laugh and cry with her all the way through the book. It is out of print, but easily obtainable on the internet.
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I was interested enough to try to find out more about her and her family, but the internet didn’t reveal much, even though I had the advantage of being able to browse quite comfortably through the sites in the Spanish language. I stumbled across a chat room in Patagonia for locals of the village nearest to one of the farms, and I left a message there asking if anyone had heard of her family.
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Six months later in 2006, when I had forgotten about it, I had a reply from Marcelo, an Argentine living in Nepal who had lived in the village many years before. He put me I touch with Luis, a man of native Patagonian descent who was very proud of his heritage and a mine of information on local lore. They became my penfriends, and I started to learn about a part of my own country on which I was completely ignorant. I proceeded to buy second-hand books about the subject from the internet, and became familiar with genealogy websites.
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It was Marcelo who first suggested that I have a go at translating a chapter from the book into Spanish, and I found it stimulating and enjoyable – and hard work. If you speak another language but don’t converse in it on a regular basis, it’s up to your own efforts to keep fluent. I always alternated my reading for pleasure between English and Spanish, watched as many Spanish-speaking films as I could, and when my parents were alive and living in Spain I used my time with them to be out and about speaking as much as possible. But literary translation is a challenge because you have to translate the style as well as the language. I loved it.
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When he was on a visit to Argentina in 2007, Marcelo went to a book fair in Buenos Aires and met Ramón, writer, poet and historian who lived in northern Patagonia and had written a book about a British company that owned vast tracts of land in Patagonia, and used them to make massive profits from sheep-farming. Mollie Robertson’s golden memories were of years spent on two of their farms, so Marcelo knew I would be interested in the book. I was able to add Ramón to my list of penfriends shortly afterwards, and when he offered to have a look at my translation I gratefully jumped at the chance. He tells me now it was not going to set the literary world on fire, but he saw enough promise in it to encourage me to carry on, and fortunately didn’t tell me of his initial reaction.
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-oOo-
(to be continued)


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Thursday, 20 August 2009

Catching up

To update you on my monthly fills and the band generally, I’ve had two visits to Taunton since I’ve been posting about my overweight history, but only one fill. In June I had been feeling very good restriction for the first two weeks after the fill, but tapering off after that, then the same pattern once again after the July fill, when they topped me up to 9 ml. They suggested that the following visit in August I had a chat with the dietician.

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She confirmed I was more or less on the mark in the way I feed myself (I’m afraid we lot are too far from perfect) and the staff didn’t give me a fill. They said I should start trying to see the band as the tool for feeling satisfied rather than feeling restricted, and that’s what I’m now trying to do. It’s harder, but less uncomfortable, and even more important that I don’t give in to the temptations at the office of muffins left over from meetings, or chocolate given us by our stationer, or the odd Danish pastry from the canteen at mid morning. The only way I can make it work is to drag out the eating process for as long as possible.

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Following a plateau longer than normal, I decided I would do something completely out of character – and joined the gym to try and speed up the weight loss. For someone like me who has never done anything like this before it is hard to overcome shyness and self-consciousness, even though I note that all sizes seem to go there and no one pays much attention. Walking into it for the first time was touch and go, I just wanted to turn tail and run… But the trainers have clearly dealt with idiots like me before, and mine was patient and reassuring, so I’m going again tomorrow. I felt no stiffness the following day, and realise I can do a lot more than just 5 minutes each on three different machines. The fact that they have TV’s fixed to them is quite an incentive; otherwise boredom would be a serious factor.

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I continue to swim every week, and though it’s pleasant when the roads are clearer of cars during school holidays, I shall be delighted when the little darlings are safely tucked up in their classrooms once again, and leave the swimming pool to those who don’t need to splash and shriek or jump on top of other swimmers to enjoy themselves.

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In for a penny in for a pound, I thought yesterday as I walked from the staff car park to my office, and I climbed the three flights of stairs to my desk… and again later in the day when I needed to go on an errand… and ditto today. My colleagues are between amused and open-mouthed as I crawl to my desk hanging on to the wall, unable to speak for 10 minutes. But hey, it kicked me out of the plateau, so I’ll try to carry on.

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This week I’ve had a terrific shot in the arm to incentivise me, which has just about robbed me of my appetite – but I think I’ll expand on it next time. My posts are probably too long anyway.

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(Don’t you find it intensely annoying to have to compose your post by typing in the silly little box, which isn’t even wysiwyg? I often use Word and then transfer, but would so much prefer to type into a format which is identical to how it will finally look. I wonder when Blogspot will wake up to this, and introduce some decent technology.)

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-oOo-

Sunday, 16 August 2009

De-brief on the last 8 posts...

A big thank you for your comments

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The last 8 posts have been difficult because I’ve had to dig deep within myself to explain – more to myself than to you – why I have so often failed at what seems to be relatively simple: to pull back after indulging in excess.

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Though brought up as an Anglican, my background has Catholic and Presbyterian elements in it, and as a child I unconsciously absorbed the concept of guilt linked to excess of any kind, and particularly to physical enjoyment in all its forms – including swearing. The advocacy of moderation at all times was always served up with a frown, as if ignoring these precepts would shower disapproval on one’s head from adults, and everlasting damnation from the Almighty. I was on the whole a bit in awe of adults and authority generally, and anxious to please. Although I would love to portray myself as a feisty little Just William or Dennis-the-Menace, sadly I was far from being rebellious.

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The three churches would therefore have clucked approvingly as I grew up studying hard, avoiding drugs and youthful sex, never swearing or lying to my parents (though as a teenager I did smoke behind the woodpile on farm holidays, with my cousins…), being polite to my elders, and so on – not necessarily because I was God-fearing, more a case of mother-fearing. You didn’t get away with disobeying Mum, and her anger was definitely to be avoided at all costs. I’m afraid something had to give once I was away from her sphere of influence.

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I take full responsibility for my descent into gluttony, make no mistake about that. However as we who struggle endlessly with the problem know only too well, it is not merely a question of over-eating just because the food is there, but of the anxiety caused by underlying psychological factors, combined with an increasingly sedentary existence.

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At the centre of our beings is the desperate need for love and approval, and if the object of that love shows their displeasure towards us, it rocks our lives and – certainly in my case – triggers a series of reactions which are never really overcome. In trying to please my husband I was unconsciously setting myself up to fail in an endless Groundhog-Day process, forever pleading for approval when starving, and hating myself later for bingeing. Once he disappeared from the picture, the pattern of punishment and reward was set. Other people’s comments and disapproval just worsened the situation, and comforting foods helped to make it bearable for a while. If I had been encouraged to enjoy exercise for its own sake it might have helped, though I shall never know this.

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Looking at all the old pictures I can now honestly say – hey it wasn’t that bad… and having read and thought about your comments I can see that I should have been more assertive at the time, not just with my ex-husband, but with others too, and presumably I didn’t because I lacked self-confidence. This is the story of people like us, isn’t it?

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Thank you and thank you again for taking the trouble to make me feel better by commenting on my entries. I’ve copied and pasted each person’s comments, one page each, printed them off and then looked at them together – I’ve concluded that I’d love to meet each and every one of you, and I think if we did meet up we’d all be talking ten to the dozen all at the same time and you wouldn’t be able to hear yourself think!

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Helen (USA). You’ve made me ask myself – ‘yeah, why did I put up with it?’ – and your comments speak of difficult experiences of your own throughout your life. I can imagine sitting with you in Oklahoma, letting you do all the digging and weeding as we talk… Another nice surprise reaction from you, Tina and Dawn has been your comments on my rugby photos. There all in a box somewhere – it would be fun to recover them sometime and show a few more, if they’re of interest.

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Tina (USA). The malnutrition between 5-8 years old at boarding school was caused I’m told by the owners of the school having had a lot of money stolen from them, so they cut down on expenses, including our food. We were all under-nourished, I heard many years later, and my mother was one of the first to complain – I suppose the other parents hadn’t dared. You ask how I got from South America to the UK – though I think a subsequent entry has probably answered that – having been brought up bilingual I just wanted to study in English. Canada was a first choice, but I decided on the UK in the end because I had so many relations here. Yes, I feel guilty about not having yet supplied ‘before’ and ‘during’ pictures, and John keeps offering to do the latter. I really must set it up (while I try to lose a few more kilos!!)

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Nola (Australia). So supportive, thanks very much. Your frank descriptions of your PB’s/barfs/spews have been so funny that they’ve made me now shrug my shoulders when it happens to me, rather than to be filled with disgust. I still chuckle remembering the chaos of the dogs tied to the table as you fled to get rid of your lime spider, and their galloping anxiously after you…

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Sylvia (USA). Your caring comments are so cheering – it’s truly wonderful to find that I’ve said something which has struck a chord with others, and I hope that some time in the future you will share the pictures and times of your youth.

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Diz (USA). It’s lovely that you’re near the end of your journey and still find time so say such encouraging things to the likes of us who are still a long way from the summit. I hope I too will feel confident enough one day to post a video on my blog!

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Dawn (UK). You’re right about being constantly in denial and forever seeking to conceal ourselves… the greatest give-away to me is when overweight people wear a lot of black – it speaks so clearly about how they feel inside.

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Simone (UK). Chance is a wonderful thing – I was just clicking on ‘next blog’ one day and up popped yours. I imagine you must trawl the internet very assiduously to come up with such stunning photos which so exactly match your taste and moods, and there’s a quality of joyousness about your text which is irresistible. You ask if I’m in a support group – well, only in a very unofficial way. At Taunton where I had the op and attend every 4 weeks for fills and weigh-ins there are always at least half a dozen or more patients waiting to go through the various stages, and we all talk non-stop about our own cases and quiz each other on aspects we need to compare. I’ve made one very good friend this way who’s very supportive and also reads this blog. The blogging is excellent group therapy too – and both serve to make me realise that everything that happens to me is totally normal and predictable.

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Cara (Australia). The bikini shot was three years or so before I met and married my husband and he’d started to comment, by which time I had put on about 8 kg – at that size that’s quite a difference. I remember that ‘slim summer’ of the bikini so well, in Spain, when I felt slim, attractive and happy. However I assure you I’m not whining ‘oh if only’, I’m looking ahead and thinking ‘one day I’ll have another summer like that, only this time it’ll be even better because I’ll know what I went through to get there’.

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Tracey (Australia). I love your suggestion of putting this in a scrapbook, and I’m seriously considering it.

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Thank you too to Sarah, Roo, Laurie Tossey and Zanna for your great and supportive remarks, all really appreciated, and to Ramón a good friend from Argentina, for his very kind words.

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Thank you too to all the anonymous readers who regularly ‘drop by’ and see what I have to say. If you think I’d be interested in your blog, why not leave me a comment – I'll always click on the name to see what your blog is like.

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Next time I’ll knuckle down to writing about how the band is working – I’m delighted to say there are no PB/barf/spew stories! However there will be one involving exercise which if you’ve been reading regularly and know what I’m like you simply will not believe!! (No, not that, this is a self-respecting blog…)

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-oOo-

Friday, 7 August 2009

Chubby Chops - a life in pictures. Part 8, Final

Crunch Time
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My father developed Parkinsons in around 2002 and eventually his heart stopped beating in 2004, five years ago last week, at the age of 84.
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Picture № 34 of my father, taken in the early 1940’s.
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His career had been in the ceramics and glazes industry, and he loved pottery and china. At other people’s dinner parties he would put my mother on edge by lifting up a delicate porcelain dinner plate to the light to see if he could see his hand through it, then holding it to his ear, ping it on the rim between thumb and middle finger to see what the quality of the sound was like…while the hostess smiled nervously. He was a good and kind man who loved jokes, and was a supportive father always. Here he is performing the porcelain ritual with my best china, this time with Mum looking anxious behind him!
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Picture № 35, Dad, Christmas 2001


My Mum carried on, on her own in Spain at her request, till a fall in early 2006 made it clear that she could no longer live alone. My sister helped her sell up and she moved to England to live with me, while we built her an annexe where the garage had been. Sadly she wasn’t destined to enjoy it for very long as she died from previously unsuspected ovarian cancer in early 2007, a fortnight after we learned she had it.

Picture № 36 of my mother when she was nineteen. In preparing it for this blog I realised that she was the same age as myself when Picture № 6 was taken in 1973. I wonder what she would have said to her earlier self…
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She was a strong character, a headmistress for most of her working life. I attended her school from 13 onwards, and far from being treated with favouritism, she ensured that nobody would think so. I did reasonably well without being outstanding (how could I, when I did everything I could to get out of sport…) so we were both happy. Of a more thorny temperament than my father, she was our moral compass, and we understood each other very well. I grieve that I was not able to enjoy her opinionated views and wagging index finger for very long before she was taken from me.
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Picture № 37 taken in Barcelona, around 1992


Family disagreements followed, and at work there were changes taking place which I knew would in time affect me. In October 2007 I and several others were made redundant – in my case after 19 years with the company. It felt like being banished. I loved the agricultural trade and had grown very fond of several of my colleagues; anyone who has faced redundancy will know what I mean when I say that it’s not merely a question of ‘keeping in touch’. The working colleagues who also became friends were still part of the business, and in addition to their feeling slightly awkward about it, I no longer wanted to hear about their daily adventures anyway. It’s not just the job you lose, but most of the relationships you enjoyed there too.
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One good thing came of it though – I decided to use some of the money to travel back to Argentina for a visit after a 14 year absence. For the past couple of years I had been translating an English book into Spanish in my spare time, the memoirs of a young English girl who had a golden childhood on sheep farms in Patagonia at the end of World War I and up to 1923, and here was my opportunity to visit the places where she had lived, a part of the country I knew very little about.
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Picture № 38 Río Colorado, north eastern Patagonia


Picture No. 39, a guanaco keeping an eye on me



Picture No. 40, Estancia Huanuluán, north western Patagonia, near the foothills of the Andes

I had a busy and very enjoyable month, but returned to what I had before I left – unemployment.

It was a sort of mid-life crisis, a limbo. I didn’t know what I wanted or where to go. I was too old in some ways, yet too young to give up on myself. The return to Argentina had made me wonder what it would be like to live there again after 35 years in Europe, and yet I didn’t think I had the courage to leave the network of friends and support in Britain. The previous four years had taken their toll and my spirits were very low – even John could do nothing to pull me out of it. And here I was filling out job applications back to back, complete with aspirational statements in 200 words or less…
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I wonder what the job market is like in the countries where you live – if you’re female and 55? Here it means that it could take you a long time to find a job, however good your skills are. Prospective (male) employers may tell you earnestly that there’s no age discrimination in the workplace, but I saw it around me when I was on the other side of the fence, and watched my male manager colleagues interviewing for admin vacancies and choosing young, attractive girls every single time. It took me ten months to find a job, and it was made possible because a friend recommended me as a possible temp, and I stayed on.
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One particularly hideous day when I was at an all-time low I forced myself to think about my health: I now weighed 18 stone (252 lbs/114 kg) used very large quantities of insulin to keep my blood sugar under control, my ankles – their former slimness my secret pride and joy – were permanently puffy and swollen, I had constant backache if I stood or walked for longer than a couple of minutes, air temperatures higher than 24ºC (75ºF) made me feel so hot and uncomfortable that I just wanted to lie down in a cold bath.
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Picture №s 41/42 - Maldives, July 2007

On a very special visit to the Maldives in 2007, John’s treat, I could appreciate that I was in a living postcard, that I was surrounded by such beauty as I had never seen before, with not even any unpleasant wildlife to threaten our quality of life, wonderful food, and so on, and yet the 36-40 ºC temperatures and 85% humidity made me forget about photographing such a paradise, indulge in the only exercise I liked, which was swimming in turquoise lagoons, and all I wanted was to get back into our darkened, dry and air-conditioned room. The 11 hour flights with a budget airline were purgatory, as (for the first time) I found the seats terribly tight and needed a special extension to my seatbelt.
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The main health issue was that I was becoming increasingly immobile. I had started to plan my life so that I didn’t have to go out if it involved walking, I had to park very close to where I was going, I couldn’t possibly talk or listen to anyone unless I was sitting down – and so on, I’m sure you recognise all these signs. I felt very strongly that I wouldn’t live to old age. I was eating myself into a standstill.
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Picture № 43, March 2008 (9 months before banding)



So that brings you up to date. In October I read about a British TV personality who had been banded very successfully, and I looked up about it on the internet. With growing hope I absorbed every morsel of information I could find, particularly from the blogs (Melanie Matters was particularly helpful I remember). In the past the stumbling block would have been the cost, but I still had half my redundancy money. I talked to John about it and was astonished that he supported such expenditure, and then I talked to my doctor and was astonished that she supported it too… A few phone calls later it was all arranged for the week before Christmas last year, and I was on my way.
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For the first time ever I had real hope that one day I would feel normal again.
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-oOo-
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I got John to take the “before” pictures which make me squirm just to think about. I’ll show them in a future post only when there are updated ones which show a noticeable difference! Perhaps when I’ve lost 25 kg, probably the half way mark, though I’m not setting targets. That is 9 kg away.
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The lapbanding operation and the slow but steady progress since then have all been recorded in this blog, and are no different to the other blogs (thankfully). The modest success so far has amazed me, for there has been very little willpower involved. It gave me the courage to attempt to face the story of how I got to this point.
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If you want the weight loss badly enough and you’ve gone to the expense of a private gastric banding operation, you’ll be willing to stick to the few basic rules. In my own case the blogging has worked well for me: to record the bad times and the good, and as a form of group therapy to exchange information and goodwill with others in the same situation.
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So there you are – Around My World in Eight Posts. In the next post I’ll pick up on the very positive and kind comments I’ve received.
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-oOo-

Friday, 31 July 2009

Chubby Chops - a life in pictures. Part 7

The denial continues
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In case it isn't obvious, I don't much enjoy showing these pictures, but I realise that this is the point of this whole warts-and-all exercise, and I've noted that other bandit bloggers have shown their worst. I feel I can but try to do the same, particularly if it's to help me move on.
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On a positive note, it's down to John that there's any photographic evidence at all of me during these years. I often felt positively poisonous that he was taking the picture at all (most of the smiles are pretty strained!) but came to realise that in the future there would be no record to show that whereas I may have been too large, at least I looked young and my skin was smooth. I recognised that in old age I would probably come to appreciate this record - albeit imperfect, so I tried to stop looking miserable when he pointed his camera at me.
. Picture № 32, 1996, Gandía beach, Spain

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...Have you ever found yourself in a bathing costume, using a towel as cover, under the misguided impression that no one will notice your size?
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I worked in an office with young women who were always on diets and talked about them the live long day. As the office manager I could remain in the background, but it made me all the more determined to shut that particular door forever. At 14 stone (196 lbs, 89 kg) in the early nineties, I had let it go too far. I knew no diet would ever work for me because it involved immersing myself once again, and for too long, in a subject that now bored me to tears. I could no longer stand the idea of thinking about food all the time. I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want to talk about it, and I certainly didn’t respond to those who brought up the subject. John understood, and I shall always be grateful to him for that.
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. Picture № 33, 1996, John catching me unawares, as usual.

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I was now on insulin because pills couldn’t control my diabetes. Dieticians would talk earnestly to me about losing weight to help the diabetes, but the most I could manage was to try to learn to eat savoury and not sweet calories – at which I was moderately successful and can now steer clear of chocolate bars and puddings most of the time. But I would tell myself that it was merely swapping sweet for savoury, and it was definitely not a diet. I could no longer cope with this word.
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The problem was that my weight refused to stabilise (as I fondly thought it would), it just kept creeping up. I love to cook and try out new recipes, John was always very appreciative, and we ate out a lot (in order of preference, Thai, Chinese, Italian, pub food). Although I like fast food as much as most people, it requires driving some distance from where I live to satisfy these whims, so I rarely bothered. I shopped at the supermarket once a week, and as I’m not given to convenience foods, preferring to prepare dishes from scratch, the impulse buying instinct, though present, was not out of control. Finally, my insulin consumption was industrial, and I knew what happens to the body when the diabetes is not properly controlled. The weight crept up simply because I ate too much of the right stuff.

Not that I ever climbed on the scales during this phase – perish the thought – but even I had to acknowledge that my clothes were getting tighter, and I started to shop on eBay. I found that (1) I had left size 18 way behind and there weren’t many places where I could buy clothes that would fit me; (2) I was too easily tired to contemplate traipsing round the shops, and (3) I didn’t care anyway.
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In 1998 I sold the flat where I had lived for 13 years since my divorce, and we bought a house on the outskirts of Bristol. I acquired two lovable cats, completed my china dinner service by purchasing odd pieces on eBay, and gave dinner parties to experiment with the oriental and fusion recipes I had grown to adore. I bought a bread machine and had a wonderful time experimenting with the wonder of fresh breads of different kinds (I still find it to be a most wonderful invention, if only I could eat more than a morsel at a time…).
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Picture № 34, Christmas 2001 (aged 48 and goodness knows what weight), with my mother, sister & niece.
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There are few photos of us for a long period here – almost ten years, because John stopped using the stills camera when I gave him a camcorder, which became his pride and joy. I was forever trying to hide from the wretched thing.
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The situation might have continued indefinitely, but family issues caught up with me.
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(Next time will be the last instalment, you will be pleased to hear - hence this one is a bit shorter. )
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-oOo-

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Chubby Chops - a life in pictures. Part 6

No more diets
Picture № 25, 1993, in Spain with John and my parents,
celebrating my 40th birthday
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We had lovely holidays – here we had rented a beautiful villa not far from Valencia, to which city outskirts my parents had moved from Argentina to spend their retirement. It was a time to take stock, and I didn’t like what I saw – I was nowhere near getting my weight problem under control, and saddest of all, I had left it too late to have children. All those years obsessing about my appearance and I was going to have nothing to show for them.
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Picture Nos. 26/27/28/29 - Bristol Rugby, early nineties.
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During this time I was asked to take pictures of the Bristol rugby team at their home games for use in their programmes, which I did for several years. I was allowed to be on the touchline with John so that I could run up and down. No, don’t ask – there’s no photo of me because I would sooner have had my throat cut. It was usually blustery, cold, wet and muddy, so I had to wear thermal underwear, plus normal clothes plus waterproof gear over all of that.
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John would prompt me when he could see at which end of the field the action would be, and I’d waddle down with camera, my pockets bulging with spare film. The worst bit was at the beginning, when the Bristol captain would run out with the little mascot – usually a child under 8 dressed wearing the Bristol strip – and I had to stand in the middle of the field and photograph them as they ran out, throwing the ball to each other. To do this, I had to position myself out in the middle of the pitch, ready and waiting 5 minutes before they emerged, then after the pictures were taken run back to the touchline.
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I knew the 8,000 spectators weren’t interested in the navy blue Michelin woman shuffling onto the pitch before the game, and up and down during it, but I reasoned that before the game or when nothing much was happening, they would be casting about for something interesting to look at, and their gaze would fix in amused fascination on the rotund photographer… I always ensured I was on the same side of the field as the television cameras, so that there wouldn’t be a ghost of a chance of my appearing on the local news afterwards.
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John would squat on a little folding stool on the touchline, tucking into his supplies – a hard-boiled egg with salt in a piece of tinfoil, a slice of buttered bread, a Kit-Kat chocolate bar and his ever trusty hipflask of brandy, not to mention the scalding cup of coffee bought at the ground, shaking and slopping as it jostled for position with his cigarette.

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It was fun, but there were limits to my coping with the exposure and self-consciousness I felt before 8,000 people, however anonymous I was, and several years later when the photographic technology grew apace and other photographers had more modern equipment which meant that the printers of the programme could get the pictures to them faster than I could, I dropped out with relief. I was also getting tired of the “If it’s Saturday it must be cold and wet” routine.

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Photography was wonderfully absorbing and took my mind off areas of my life about which I was unhappy, and specifically it meant I was behind the lens, and not being captured by it. In 1995 I was pleased as punch to win one of the trophies at my local camera club.
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Picture № 30, 1995, aged 42, with Group One Backwell Camera Club Trophy

I particularly enjoy candid portraits, and take pictures at dress rehearsals – amateur opera in the past, and Gilbert & Sullivan productions now. The advent of digital cameras has made the whole process so incredibly easy, and enables me to concentrate on the creative side (with mixed results, I don’t claim to be a David Bailey).
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Picture № 31, two members of the chorus at a performance of The Mikado
about 10 years ago
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As I developed on the inside, sadly I expanded on the outside too. Being freed of the tyranny of trying to be slim and pleasing other people, vanity ceased to be a factor in my life altogether, and I rarely looked in the mirror.
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Picture № 32, 1995, out for dinner with John and old school friend
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Later in the year an old school friend came to stay, and when she sent me a photo of the three of us at dinner I realised that the situation had got worse, and as usual my misery showed. However this pained expression was mainly reserved for photographs, which I simply loathed posing for – I’m told that I was capable of as much cheerfulness and humour as anybody…
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(To be continued)


-oOo-

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