Sunday, 8 March 2009

Restriction yet no restraint, control yet no self-control

On the occasions when I listen to my inner voice - for which I need a hearing-aid most of the time, it must be admitted - I start a meal too fast, the discomfort and threat of PB appear, I slow right down and eat very slowly, and soon I feel full and able to leave some of it. John takes the plate away and I reach after if whimpering... but my brain has caught up with my stomach, and with minimal willpower I am able to accept that I don't want any more to eat.
That's on good days. Even on medium days, the fact that I deliberately don't buy wrong foods serves to help my wavering willpower. But most of the time it's a fight I rarely win, and the most I achieve is that my weight stays level. Some days I'm actually sick ... "how brave you are, to put up with all that discomfort" they say. No it's not. It's humilliating because I know I'm not listening. The band is saying "I'm here to help you, slow down, you stupid cow", but my brain is slipping back into the old mode and saying "See? You deserved that, it's a punishment because you're plain greedy and you'll never change."
My next fill is Wednesday 18th March. I hope it will be a step on the road to restraint and self-control, and to liking myself a little more.


Reddirt Woman said...

I wish I knew some way to help you. Unfortunately all I can do is be a cheerleader. I've not, until the last few years, had a problem with weight. I never thought about it until I hit menopause now I'm having to deal with that extra baggage. I do know about addictive personalities, having been a smoker for 40 years, the last 10 of which I was fighting with myself about trying to quit. I finally did quit with the aid of a hypnotist. She had asked me at the time if I had thought I might need suggestions to help guard against weight gain. I hadn't had the problem so I said no... wish I had taken her up on it. I've since moved and she has retired so I'm thinking about finding someone here for sub-conscious assistance. Didn't know if you might have thought about hypnosis as an aid.

Sorry this is so long. Just know I'll be around to try and boost you up.


Lonicera said...

Thank you Helen, for your very kind thoughts. I did go into hypnotism once, as a matter of fact, about 30 years ago when it was a slight problem but my (now ex) husband was the one who was obsessed about my being slim. It worked for a while, I believe because I had (a) lied at work to get the time off to go regularly for a while and (b) paid quite a bit of money to do it. So it sort of felt that it HAD to work... But I think some people respond better than others to this sort of treatment.
I'm sure the band will do it in the end, and I'm determined to be patient, but I'm so very tired of feeling low about it. It's so self-centred....
My partner John quit smoking (up to 60 a day for 55 years!) by means of nicotine patches - amazing. He's never smoked again (though he was tempted, but I went completely hysterical with him when it looked as though he was going to waver, and we gotthrough that one!!)
Reading the blogs is group therapy though, so the fact that you write, is a help, and thanks again.

Nola said...

The next fill will have you feeling and eating differently I am sure!! Go and read Daggy Shaggs latest entry (she is on my blogroll).....she talks about this really well. I left a comment saying how I felt too. She is very funny and really hits the nail on the holds barred with her:)

Nola said...

Oh....Shaggs blog is called "Food Junkie to Fabulous"

Dawn said...

I'm feeling it too. I eat far too quickly. I have weetabix every morning - yet I still stuff it so quickly that I am almost pbing. Maybe a morning thing though, cos by lunch I can eat 'normal', bread still is affecting me, however there is a lot of food out there that is going down far too quickly. But the weight is staying the same. I'm ready for another fill I think. So good luck with your next fill


Lonicera said...

Dawn, I'm affected more in the mornings too. Solution is to get up a midday of course... I too need the discipline of work, or my timetable would be just like yours - I think so much more clearly and creatively in the middle of the night!
I've read Daggy Shaggs' blog, Nola, you're right, she's very amusing. Like her, carbohydrates are my problem, but unlike her I haven't even begun to deal with it, never mind the no-fluids-with-solids malarkey.

DocSly said...

Caroline, you nailed it. I need a "hearing aid" for that inner voice and I believe my willpower is too willing sometimes. It helps to know we are all fighting this together and people like Helen are great cheerleaders. I also tried hypnosis for weight but it really worked to stop drinking diet coke. I admire people who have quit smoking as I do believe that must be very difficult. These darned addictions.

Lonicera said...

Is diet coke addictive? That's interesting, I've never heard it referred to this way before. I used to be a coke fan - my ex-brother-in-law worked there most of his life and we used to get a lot of free coke, but I had to de-programme when fizzy drinks started to give me heartburn. Diet coke however always tasted to me like metal shavings...

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