The Sat-Nag

John was given a little device for Christmas called a "Sat-Nag", which looks just like the real thing, only made of black plastic, and the front has a drawing of a road map, with "Desperation Way", "Nag Street", "Moaning Road", "Earache Avenue" and the inevitable "Backseat Drive" marked thereon. When a button is pressed, a female voice makes statements in clipped tones, most of which are quite amusing.

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However, in mid-chortle I realised that the side-splitting witticisms had clearly been written by a bloke, so here are the best ones (the really macho ones make me gag, so they've been censored) - followed by another set of statements (mine) which I reckon could be made by women about men. Any similarity with what John as the front-seat driver says to me is not purely coincidental.

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Written by him about her

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If you don’t slow down and start driving within the speed limit I’m going to ring the police myself.

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At the roundabout I’m going to say again that I told you not to buy this penis-extension of a car.

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At the next junction I’m going to explain that it’s not what you said but the way you said it that annoyed me.
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In 50 metres - if you fart again I’m going to get out of this car and catch a bus.

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In 20 metres I’m going to remind you that you’re not invisible in traffic jams, and people can see you picking your nose.

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I know you’re a man, but it’s been 45 minutes now, so can you please admit we’re lost and ask someone the way?
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OK so we didn’t have sex last night, but could you stop driving like a lunatic?

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In 50 metres when we’re stuck in traffic I’m going to ask you if your shortcut is really faster.

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Written by her about him

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In 50 metres I’m going to ask you if you realise that this car has five gears.
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In 25 metres I’m going to repeat what I say at the beginning of every journey when you’re driving: Now what are we not going to do…. yeees, we’re not going to rush, are we?
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Every 20 metres I’m going to suggest overtaking/not overtaking or slowing down/speeding up.
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At every traffic light I’m going to let you know its colour.

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At every intersection I’ll do all the courteous-waving-at-considerate-drivers stuff (or apologise to them if I consider it necessary), you just concentrate on the driving.
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If I think you’re going too fast I’ll grip the dashboard with both hands till the whites of my knuckles show, while I ask you in a strangled voice what the hell you think you’re doing.
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If a decision is required which could be one of several alternatives, I’ll always let you know what I normally do in these situations, and not quite pick up on the “Yes, so you always tell me”.
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The fact that I’m letting you drive this evening has absolutely positively definitely nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you don’t drink and I do. Nope.

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-oOo-

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(Can you tell I'm marking time waiting for my first fill? Well, go to the top of th class then).