It’s been far too long
since my last post, and there’s much to bring up to date – that is if I’ve got
any readers left. I’ve longed to write,
but just haven’t had the energy. I
switch on the computer, open a new Word page… and end up playing Freecell instead. It’s not that I can’t be bothered – I care
very much – but I’ve felt very tired for 3 years now.
In early 2014 I was
diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I had an
operation, plenty of chemotherapy, all the usual, to which I’m told I responded
well, and they gave me about 10 years or so.
I was – and am – in no pain. I’m
now on a maintenance drug infusion every three weeks.
However I had to stop
work eventually purely because of the tiredness, and blood analyses kept
throwing up that there was something else, and 2 years or so later they found I
had NASH Cirrhosis, a non-alcohol related disease of the liver, probably a
consequence of diabetes, but totally separate from the cancer (so far). The prognosis was far worse, and it seems
likely – they say – that I won’t see another Christmas; it isn’t curable and
I’m not eligible for a transplant because of the other co-morbidity.
I get a build-up of fluid inside (ascites) which needs draining every
few weeks, a procedure which requires me to attend Bristol’s most overworked
hospital, the Bristol Royal Infirmary, situated downtown, with appalling
parking facilities. Door-to door it’s a
12 hour long day, and I’m very fortunate that my sister travels up from
Dorchester each time to keep me company, call taxis, keep me fed and watered,
and so on. My brother-in-law tackles any jobs around the house I'm no good at because I get giddy, and helps me fill out long forms about my pension. My neighbours all deserve
medals too. They get the washing machine going, the washing-up done, bring me shopping,
drive me to appointments since I’ve stopped driving, and pop in regularly for a
chat and to see how I am.
Nausea is my biggest
bugbear, and sometimes drugs make little difference. Weight has come off me dramatically from the
shoulders up, the rest looks much the same because of the ascites.
I’ve been trying to
put my affairs in order, but it’s a never-ending list of chores to do, and
progress is slow. As far as this blog is
concerned, I’ve asked my niece Veronica to update it when I no longer can. Mentally I feel reasonably upbeat, and
stopped taking anti depressants a few months ago because I want my brain to
stay sharp, whatever state it’s in. Last
December I thought I didn’t have long, but I feel alright at the moment – you
never can tell.
All in all I feel
philosophical about it – one has to die of something, and there are plenty of
people in the medical profession who are doing their best to keep me comfortable. I’ll be 64 in June, not a bad age to
reach. I don’t mind talking or writing
about this; my way of dealing with it is not to keep it to myself.
I can’t help but
wonder about the hereafter – will I see John again? The family who have gone before me? Or will I be reborn, another chance to get it
right this time – a sort of Groundhog Day?
The most difficult concept of all to grasp is that it’s none of the
above and one just ceases to be.
I have only two real
sadnesses which overwhelm me sometimes – the fact that I will never return to
Argentina, where I was born and lived till I was 20.
The other is that
despite the wonderful kindnesses shown to me every day, I’m dealing with this
alone. Except for my beloved companion,
my 16 year old cat Banjo, who knows there’s something wrong and sticks to me
like glue, I miss not being in a loving relationship where every fear can be
discussed and there are ups as well as downs to make life worth living. I wish I had had children.
Anyway, enough of the
glums. I’ve got at least three stories
to tell if I have the time, and I plan to start with selections of letters
written by my Uncle David to his family at home in Buenos Aires, describing his
RAF training during World War II in Canada and the Orkney Islands in northern Scotland, until 1943 when he was killed while flying
his Spitfire.
(PS I notice my
counter re-set itself to zero recently – all those hard earned visits…)
-oOo-
Photo Finish - Digital
-oOo-
